On Illusions and Sex Offenders...

I admit it. I've been following the Bill Cosby saga pretty closely.

I have been a fan of his and respected the things he's contributed over the years. I thought Cliff Huxtable was pretty much Cosby playing himself.

At the same time, I'm a therapist who works in corrections with sexual assault victims and offenders, so I'm pretty up to date on the dynamics and behaviors of sexual predators and sexual assault survivors.

As much as I've liked Cosby's work, I know that it's entirely plausible he’s offended against women. But not all people have my background on it, so I understand why people doubt the accusers.

I've read a lot of article comments and have my own responses to the common statements people make about this situation.  I debate with them in my head and sometimes in the dialogues, but I decided to put them together in one place... Just get the debate out in one fell swoop. So, here are the arguments for Cosby's innocence and my take on each one of them.

1. He's innocent until proven guilty.

Of course, in regards to criminal charges and convictions. This is why he is not in jail. And he would have this right should he be criminally charged going forward.

OJ Simpson is "innocent" in the eyes of the law, yet none of us believe for a minute that he did nothing wrong.

There are criminal courts but there are other courts. The court of public opinion. The court of capitalism and markets. For these, Cosby can't hide behind a defense attorney. For these, he must make his case directly to the people who would pay him to be a performer, and let the market decide what to do about him as a business.

2. The women took the pills, drank the alcohol, were alone with him.

First, he was a popular celebrity with a good reputation. There was no reason not to be alone with him. If Bill Cosby had invited anyone to hang out, most people would have been flattered and willing.  Most people would have accepted a drink from Bill Cosby.  Most people would have accepted a "headache pill" from Bill Cosby.

Second, rape and forced sexual contact are not natural consequences for taking drugs or drinking. He was in no way entitled to their bodies under any circumstances.

3. The women are just trying to get money or attention.

Wow.  There are WAY easier ways of getting money and attention than saying you were raped by a famous person. Saying you were raped opens you up to incredible scorn, cruelty, invasion of privacy, shame, etc. It ain't no picnic.

Say you had an affair.  Say you gave him pedicures.  Say you were his best friend.  Say anything but that you were raped.  This whole notion of women "crying rape" is way more myth than fact.  Especially in a case like this, there is no benefit to saying you were raped and LOTS of downsides.

4. Their stories are too weird to be true.

Rape is weird. Rape is rarely that stranger-out-of-the-bushes variety. Most sex offenders are very skilled at  getting what they want without getting caught. Those of us who work with sex offenders are not a bit surprised that a person would groom a victim, set them up with drugs/alcohol, get them to question reality afterwards, and even act nice or pay them off to try to smooth things over.

In fact, the weirder a predator makes the act, the easier it is to get away with it. Very convenient, because it makes it way harder for victims to explain or even understand later.  It lessens the victims' credibility.

5. Some of them continued to have contact with him.

Women, especially back then, were taught to be forgiving, to blame themselves, to give people second chances, to think they deserved rape for being in a dating situation, etc. In fact, they often didn’t even admit to themselves that they were raped.

And, sex offenders are skilled manipulators. It is entirely plausible that he could have tricked some into thinking it wasn't rape and that he actually cared about them. It is entirely possible he paid them off to keep them quiet and that they accepted it because they knew they'd never get any other reparations.

6.  Why are they accusing him now? It happened a long time ago.

As a therapist, I've worked with many sex abuse survivors who only begin to process and understand what happened to them years and even decades later. Women of that era were told to not talk about it, to forget it, to blame themselves, etc. It didn't go any better for them to talk about it then, than it’s going now, and it went way worse.

Plus, there is a natural safety in numbers. One or two women coming forward helps the more fearful feel like they can.

Finally, so what? They have a right to tell their stories when they are ready to. Their stories are just as valid now, their experiences impacting them even now, and society is more receptive and concerned with violence against women.

7. People always prey on celebrities and accuse them of rape.

Really? Where are the rape accusations for Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Kevin Costner, Morgan Freeman, insert most other popular male celebs?

Exactly. False rape accusations are very rare. The consequences for the accuser are many, the benefits are nearly none.

8. He is a nice guy. A paragon of virtue.

Most sex offenders are "nice guys" most of the time.

But, Cosby’s own words suggest an affinity for the type of rape he is accused of. His comedy bit about "Spanish Fly" reveals an interesting preoccupation with the idea of drugging women to get sex. First, his comedy was usually so "clean," so this is a bit of an outlier. Second, while young boys might be excited by something like that, Cosby describes still wanting to obtain and use a drug on women even as he was an adult. Check it out for yourself:

http://youtu.be/LAorIG6MZnc

It makes me wonder if he did have a fetish for drugging and taking advantage of women. It describes predatory behavior. It is entirely plausible that he acted out his urges on real women, selecting them and grooming them carefully in order to get away with it. And that he felt entitled to do so.

8. The women he worked with on the Cosby show (and other higher profile women) haven't reported anything.

Not all sexual predators prey on all the women they encounter. Gary Ridgeway, the "Green River Killer," had a wife and a job. He saved his predatory behavior for prostitutes because he saw them as less human, easy to discredit, and not as likely to be missed. Jerry Sandusky had a wife and a successful career, but also managed to prey upon young boys who couldn't stand up to him or his popularity.

Cosby's profile seemed to be younger women, wanna be's (not well-known ones), and naive ones who would easily accept invitations to take pills, drink, and be alone with him. These were young women with very little credibility and power, at a time when "date rape" wasn't even a crime.

Sex offenders are masters at having dual personalities and personas. It wouldn't surprise those of us who work with victims and offenders that a man could behave like a paragon around his family and friends, but also have a deviant side where he preys upon victims who don't have the power or credibility to fight him.

9. Date rape wasn't even a crime. Cosby would have seen this as perfectly legal and acceptable. He wouldn't even have known he was doing anything wrong.

Can something be wrong and harmful without it being a crime? Why didn't all men back then drug and rape women?

If we accept the "he didn't know better" explanation, then we have to ask, "But does he know better now?"

"A Different World," the TV spin off of the "Cosby Show," devoted an episode to date rape. Cosby, as producer, was certainly aware of and involved in it.

If he drugged and raped women, thought it was OK at the time, but changed his mind as times changed, it follows that he'd apologize profusely and explain himself.  If he did harm these women, and his response now is silence and discrediting the women, it says tons about his character, and nothing good.

10. We just don't and can't know.

Very true. On this we agree. But it doesn't mean we can't consider it. It doesn't mean we can't discuss it. It doesn't mean the women have to be silent.

We get to decide who we believe and act accordingly.

On my part, this is an Ockham's Razor situation.  The simplest explanation tends to be the right one.

The consistency of the stories, along with the details that differentiate them, Cosby's Spanish Fly bit, the numbers of victims, Cosby's odd refusal to say his side, along with what I know to be true in general about sex offenders and victims... Seems more plausible to me than a bunch of random women tearing down a guy who never wronged them in any way.

In this case, it actually makes more sense to me that the women are telling the truth, than that Cosby is just a totally innocent man.

But each of us has to decide for ourselves who we believe.